Soon you'll find yourself completely alone

Recently, I'm starting to feel like this....

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I make no sense...

I haven't talked to anyone these last days... not even to the only friend I do tend to talk to....I'm not always sad... but for some reason this feeling is always there whenever I'm having an okay day. The feeling of not having anyone...so I guess that what I'm trying to do now...make this thought into a reality...

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I have no friends

Yes I do. I do have them. They might not always be by my side or I might not always talk to them but they are there....that should be enough...so why is it that I feel like I have no one?
Why do I keep saying I have no friends...? Why do I always wish I had them...why?

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most significant people in my life

I posted this awhile back on my tumblr. I felt posting it on here to have easier access to it whenever I decided to re-read my notes... I think I'm going to do that. Posting all my older notes from tumblr on here. Not all but some...
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In all honesty I can’t name only 2 people, it all comes down to my family and friends; I consider them all significant in my life.

They are the reason why I held on for so long…and although I don’t talk to them as much (i guess i’m not much of a talker) I still think about them everyday and know that they will be there for me whenever I need it….

A breakdown:

Mom: is the kindest person you’ll ever meet. She has her viewpoints on certain matters and we usually end up bumping heads or get into a heated argument about it but golly…do I love her. How can I not love her? She raised me into the person I am today. Sure I may be a little bit messed up but that’s not her fault, that’s mine. She did everything she could to make me a good human being; which I have to say she was very successful. I love her so much and I miss her as well. Every time I go home I always end up making funny faces at her just so she can laugh. I love making her laugh because then it makes me feel like I am a good enough daughter. Seeing her laugh makes me not want to disappear. I never ever want to see her cry, that’s why I have to keep moving forward…

Dad: a very religious father figure, where at times I really get annoyed by it. But I know that he loves me and is trying to teach me the good ways in life. It’s not often that we bond together, in fact when we do it can sometimes start awkward, and he can even be scary. Even my friends say he looks scary, but he isn’t. He puts up this hard exterior but if you dig deep enough you’ll find this childish man. An adorable one too. And no matter what my current mood might be with him, I will always love him.

Bro: he doesn’t know it but ever since I was a kid he’s been my role model. Growing up he would be strict with me and act more like a father than a brother but that’s only because he was overprotective of his little sister…Anytime he made me cry he would end up apologizing and trying to make me laugh. Even if I was really mad at him he would always find a way to make it up for me. He is a great person, even if he doesn’t think so he is. Sure he might have his problems but everyone does. That doesn’t mean I will love him any less.

Sis: we are complete opposites. She’s the “girlie girl” and I’m the ‘tomboy’. We would mainly fight growing up and wouldn’t get along as much (especially since we are six years apart)…but ever since we moved out here to college together, we’ve bonded so much. Sure we still fight from time to time but that’s normal, at least now we are able to rely on each other and confide in one another. Shoot, She even saved me from myself. If she were to never come here with me..I honestly wouldn’t have made it…. I am truly grateful that I have her in my life.

Guada: the first friend who I became close too. Before I ever met her, I use to hang out with what I use to call the “girlie girls”. I hang out with those girls from 2nd to the beginning of 8th grade. I always thought we were close, but we weren’t. We drifted apart and they never seemed to noticed…and it was sad but at the same time it was for the best, because if that were to never happen I would’ve never met this weirdo! This weirdo who showed me the true meaning of friendship. Everyday I thank God I met her. If it weren’t for her I would be in a different path and I sure as heck don’t think it would’ve been a good one. This girl is one of a kind and i’m lucky to have found her in my life.

Amanda: I remember I didn’t like her one bit *laughs* And that’s only because I was afraid she would take my close friend away from me. I was so dumb to think that…This girl is an insanely awesome person, I kid you not! I love the way she is, she’s so outgoing and is not afraid to speak her mind! I find it inspiring really! Her personality is just so contagious (I mean that in a good way). It’s hard to be in a bad mood when your around her. She is literally the life of the party and I just can’t see my life without her. She NEEDS to be in it! It’s a must!

Ritz: she’s something special. I met her in freshmen year but we honestly started hanging out more in sophomore year. At first i didn’t know how to feel about her, their were moments when i thought she was too hyper *chuckles(YEAH I SAID CHUCKLES)* but as I got to know her more and more it became hard to stay away from her. Throughout that time i learned that she is a lover and fighter. Her writing is incredible; so incredible that you will literally be mesmerized by the things she can write. Her words alone can make your heart warm up. She is truly an amazing girl, i was lucky to have shared a special moment (even if it was short, it meant a lot)with her in my life. A moment that I would never forget… I am truly blessed to have her friendship.

Anderson: What can I say about this dude other than he constantly blows up my cell and forces me to talk to him and its annoying as heck—Which only makes me love him more. We met in the last years of High School and instantly became close. He is honestly the closest guy friend I ever had in my entire life. The first time I hanged out with him I was literally so nervous about screwing it up but somehow we hit it off just fine! He is a great bud and I’m always able to talk to him about things I never thought I could talk about with others. He’s so positive and god does this boy know how to make you laugh. If you hang out with him there is NO WAY you cannot laugh! He is a big part in my life and we are probably going to get old together. After all he’s going to be my future husband aha! 
(Lmao kidz)

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My everything

I don't think peeps understand how much I miss them. How can I not miss them? They are the only ones who make me feel like I actually have a reason in living. They are my everything. Without them I wouldn't be here....

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Spring Break

    This spring break I was able to spend it with my close friends. I didn't think I would do anything this week, but apparently I did. I'm so happy that I did. Earlier in the week I got a surprise visit from Guada and Edgar, they took me along with them to the mall. I was really happy that they remembered about me. I wasn't expecting any visitors and having them show up made my day. Then the next day I went to Guada's house and hanged out there. I made sure to take a lot of pics with her since I realized we don't have many with us together; that was another awesome day. Then today I went  ice skating with my bud--which I hadn't seen for SO LONG. When we saw each other we squeezed the hell out of each other and took a long time to let go. It wasn't until that point that I realized how much I missed him. Then I was lucky enough to see another buddy (Amanda A.) and the 3 of us had super fun. I laughed, yelled, and squealed. I was so loud and so hyper! I felt like me. It felt good. So good that I even started talking to this french guy who kept messing with me  and my buds. When I say messing I mean teasing playfully. And I even talked to other random strangers and made friends with a 12 year old who taught me the basics of skating. Today was definitely a good day. Short but good. Tomorrow is going to be my last day here, and i'm going to spend it with my other close friend, Amanda B. In a way I'm nervous because I don't usually hang out with her by myself, we usually have someone else...and I feel like i'm going to be awkward, but I shouldn't feel like that since I known her for so long! So i'm going to be me and make the best of tomorrow. I'm sure its going to be another great day!
My mission to hang out with the majority of my besties is going to be accomplished. I just wish I could see my other friend, Ritz, before I left.Sadly, I won't be here when she gets back...that's a real bummer. I really wanted to see her...maybe next time.

im such a bad friend....

I shouldn't get depressed over this. I shouldn't try to blame them for making me feel this way. It is not his or their fault. I have to remind myself that they have a right to have other friends. I can't be selfish and try to keep them away from them. I shouldn't be selfish in trying to make them feel guilty. I really hate myself. I hate my feelings, my thoughts, my body, my everything. Just because I have no friends doesn't mean I should take that away from others. Sure it bloody hurts knowing that they have others when I just have them...but that's their right. And I shouldn't feel like this.
I shouldn't.
I wish I didn't.
But I do.....
Stupid me.

jumbling thoughts

Once again I stoped writing....not because I was too lazy but because whenever I tried to write I couldn't form out the proper words to describe how miserable I've been feeling lately...the only reason I've decided to write tonight is because I feel like if I don't let it out I'm going to go insane. So that being said my words may not make sense at all...at least I tried right? Also it probably will contain a tons of grammar errors...you've been warned

• First off is school. I start this Tuesday, I'm leaving on Sunday morning....I don't want to go back there. I HATE it. You already know how suckish my college experience has been so far, I honestly don't believe it's going to change. It never does. Im always ending up screwing up in my studies and having no social life at all. It fudging depressing and I seriously don't want to go through another semester feeling useless. A few weeks ago I've started to rant in my head "I don't want to go" over and over again wishing that it would come true. Sometimes I will even get angry with myself non why I was so stupid to move 6 hrs away from home. Back in H.S I always thought that getting as far away from home would make things better for me. But it didn't, it made things worse... I should've known that when it comes to me, living far away is never such a good idea...I wish I could change the past, I know I can't and shouldn't dwell on it..but it's too hard to move on! I'm so stupid! It's as if by staying the past I can somehow change the future. SO IDIOTIC!!  I don't know what I'm doing anymore... ever since the first semester in college all I've been thinking about is planning my death in the forest. I know it messed if me to think like that but I can't help it. Where I live is completely surrounded by a forest, It's the perfect place to die and not be found.....but like I said before there just thoughts. They never become true. Because even though a part of me wishes to just go end it another part of me is afraid of death. Ha, can you believe that? I never thought that the day would come that I would fear to die...but I do. I wish it and yet I fear it. 
• I've been having these other feelings. I'm not going to talk thoroughly about them because I'm choosing to ignore them and forget. I'm not sure if it means anything...Sometimes I think I'm having another 'obsession' ... but either way it doesn't matter. If I decide to listen to them, Its not like I'm going to act upon them. So it doesn't matter...I just wish my...whatever it is...would listen too.
• Friends. I might make this short as well. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my close (and only) friends. I'm honestly not really close to anybody anymore. I don't try to talk to them or ask how they are doing. For some reason just asking that is hard for me to do. I know some are having problems and I do worry about them but I never ask. I'm really useless when it comes for a helping hand. And it's funny how I get depressed whenever they talk amongst each other and I get left out. Its not their fault to be able to confide in someone else. Someone who they know they can trust. I honestly hate having these human qualities. I seriously wish I didn't have them. I HATE being selfish.....
• Appearance. It's gotten worst...I think I told you once how I would usually find myself staring in the mirror and hate on every little detail of my face. Now I've been looking more at my body. I usually try not to look in the mirror and stare myself whenever I go take a shower. But I end up doing it and what I see I HATE. I keep finding more imperfections. I'm honestly repulse by how I look. So repulsed that I  even looked up online if there were ways to fix certain areas....I even started thinking about how if someone would ever marry me. And if they, by some miracle, did how would I be able to sleep with them knowing how hideous my body was?  I know I shouldn't worry about that since I haven't been actually socializing with anyone, to be able to date someone...and I've especially haven't been having sex. Shoot that is not gonna happen anytime soon...but the point is that I still can't help but think about how my sex life will be. If it's so hard to look at myself naked in the mirror, how am I going to be comfortable getting seen by another person?....anyway enough of the thinking ahead. I honestly just hate my body. I'm not comfortable with the way I look. This should be motivation to work out but whenever I try to do a small workout I think about how losing weight will not make me look any prettier and so I feel my motivation go down the drain. I'm always going to be ugly....
• Self-harm. I haven't done it. I've been thinking about it a lot...but I will always try to distract myself and forget about it. Although there were times when I started scratching the back of my hand with a Bobby pin, trying to push the pin deeper...but I stopped before any really damage could occur....and then just yesterday I tried to burn myself with my computer charger...well I was hoping too. My computer charger gets SUPER hot. So hot that whenever you touch it you automatically want to flinch away....so I decided to put my hand on there...it was really unbearable...but I held on..and then it was getting cooler. Apparently I had pulled the plug from the socket so the charger was starting to cool down awhile back...so nothing bad happen...I kind found it as a disappointment...and a relief as well....

So that's that...I could keep going but I think it's enough for one night. I honestly wasn't expecting to write THAT much. Half way through a sentence I couldn't find myself able to stop writing....but yeah it's been crappy these weeks...hopefully it gets better I guess..anyway it's late time to sleep...

social networks

I'm not sure if im the only one who feels this way...but seriously social networks affect me. When i say affect they usually get me depressed. Because i start acting selfish or start comparing my life to others...i've been wanting (for awhile too) to delete all my accounts..but who am i kidding? Thats never going to happen... so im going to try not to go on fb, twitter, or tumblr. I'm just going to try to be on my blogger, wattpad, or DA;anyother place where i dont follow peeps. Lets see if i can do this for a week...and if i can maybe i can do it longer...

First time drinking

I've been meaning to talk about my first drinking experience. I haven't told anybody (with details) expect Anderson, we both laughed lol. Anyways, let's get started... the following [like everything else that i write] contains major grammar errors...


So first off, my sister invited her friends to come over our place for the weekend. Well technically she invited them a long time ago and they all agreed to go on a specific weekend...let's just say all of them bailed on her except 2 of her friends. The one's who did came was Maria (who I know) and her boyfriend, Beto. When they arrived we decided to go hiking in the woods. WHICH WAS SUPER FUN! I actually managed to talk with them all and it was awesome. I wasn't shy at all. Then we headed to the beach, it was kind of cold but once we started hiking through the trails there, it started getting sunny and hot lol. OH! I forgot to mention that their was a dead seal on the beach. We even took a pic of it LMAO.


Any who! After the beach sis and moi took them to Carmelas(one of the few Mexican restaurants where we live)to eat; its one of our favorite restaurants. So when we got there, Maria and Beto said they were super hungry so they ordered a 'Burrito Loco'. Compared to a 'super burrito' the 'burrito loco' is H-U-M-O-N-G-O-U-S. We told them but they didn't believe us. They didn't manage to eat half of it LOL.


After we went home and just chilled and talked (A LOT). Later on, we ordered a pizza (best pizza in the city!) and on our way over there sis, Maria, and Beto wanted to stop by Bevmo (recently opened). Sis bought this Hurricane and zombie drink. Maria & Beto only got this Apple/Ale type of beers only since they already brought a bunch of vodka and tequila from home.


So we get home, eat, and then later we start to drink a bit. Beto would look at me and be like "Your going to get fucked up" and just end it with a smile. At first I didn't want to drink. The drinks were disgusting. I didn't understand why people would drink that stuff. But then Maria---who was already buzzing cuz she would just drink out of her vodka and tequila like nothing-- and my sis said that this was the only college experience i might ever get. And what better way to drink with people you trust? So I totally agreed. I was like "Fudge it".


At that point, Maria started making me my drinks. Bad move. LOL, this girl poor hella freaking vodka in my cup, and then she would put a jello shot that she made with even more vodka in it. Oh, and then they would tell me to chugg. And me being a go getter lol, start to chug it down....so this kept going on for a bit...and already my head was starting to get heavy.. in a non good way. When I got up, the whole place was tipping over. By then I cut myself off but it was kind of too late.


Beto at the time left us girls to sing and laugh while he took pics of our drunk-states and laughed at us. At some point I remember following Maria to the living room, where Beto had set up their bed. She fell on it and invited me to sleep with her, and so I totally took Beto's side. Aha he was all complaining while Maria and Me were talking jiberish to each other. So while we were talking dumb my sis and Beto were recording us. [Side note: sis didn't get as drunk as me cuz she knew how maria was when she cam eto drinks...which she never gave me a heads up -___- ]


At some point, while we were snuggling and falling asleep, Maria & moi asked for some ice cream sandwhiches. So leaving us in the bed sis and Beto went to Safeway to get em.


Biggest mistake they made.


After they left, Maria and Me started talking some deep stuff. I'm not kidding! At that point my head no longer felt like it was buzzing. It felt super numb and really good. Like you had no care in the world. So, back to where I was.... Maria and me start talking about our life. I never though I would find myself telling my secrets to a random person [although i hit it of with her, we werent close]... SO i told her some stuff and she told me some of her secrets. That moment I was happy we were drunk and my sis and Beto weren't there...it would've been bad....


So as we talk I realize that I got to go to the bathroom. I tell Maria this and she decides that she has to go as well. Having no choice since she already started wobbling to the bathroom, I wait for her to be done. She was taking so long and I felt my bladder was about to erupt any second, so I started rolling off the bed. I say rolling because it was so hard to get up and not fall over! So i'm all rolling/trying to crawl, when I hear her get out.


She come out alright but she doesnt come back to the livingroom. As i'm on the floor, I call her name and instead of an answer I hear the front door opening.


Somehow I managed to pull myself off the floor and while leaning on the walls I manage to see freaking Maria leaving the house all drunk!


I whispered yelled her name to come back but this girl didn't listen to me! she was making her way to god knows where! So being extra quite in making noise (i dont want to be caught since im underage lol!), i go outside and start pulling Maria back inside. Luckily there was nobody outside, cus this girl is putting up a fight!


I don't know how I did it, but I managed to pull her inside and lock the door. Once we were in she laid on the kitchen floor asking for Beto. I grab my cell and try to call my sis. Who tells me that their almost home and watch out for Maria.


That 'almost home' was taking forever, so I start texting her and maria is telling me to call her 'gay' (which i did >.> ..I WAS DRUNK!) and we both start laughing on the floor like freakin hyenas. And then apparently I started texting other people -___-


so sis and Beto are taking forever to get back, and then out of no where i feel like throwing up. I knew I wasting going to make it to the bathroom and I sure as heck didn't want to throw up on both of us. I grabbed onto the sink, pulled myself up and threw up all the pizza i ate earlier. I threw up two times and on the second time i called sis, which my cell fell in the sink >___> (still doesnt work). I grabbed it and 'cleaned' it and told maria. We both laughed. I call sis (at the time cell still worked) and she was like "almost there".


Feeling my stomach empty I go back to the floor where I see maria looking up in the ceiling with some liquid in her mouth. Common sense kicks in, and I realize she was throwing up. I remembered in health class saying to put a drunk person on their side so they wouldn't choke on their vomit. So I did, and she threw up all over the floor. I call sis again and her response is the same although with a new twist to it. She told me to clean it up.


Right then I was too drunk to care about touching vomit, so I tried my best to pick up marias mess while she started crying out of where on the floor. Once down, I pulled her in a kneeling position, got in front of her and tried my best to clean some of the throw up she had on her face and sweater...apparently i smeared it even more and made it worse LOL.


Finally, when Beto and sis came back we were on the floor again (they say). And somehow I was in the toilet trying to throw up again o.0 Sis and Beto then gave Maria a shower and put her to sleep afterwards, while I took my shower once I started sobering up. Sis told me that at one point I was starting to cry as well telling her that I was worse than my brother and her. And she asked me what did I mean but I wouldn't tell her.... oh and then every once in awhile i kept referring Maria as my Bff. lol!!!


As I came back to the reality with a massive headache and really bad taste in my mouth, I realized that I wasn't as fudged up as Maria (thankfully). That girl was passed out on the bed. Beto was laughing at me and saying how he should've left his camera and recorded it >.>


To rap things up (I wrote a lot, the next day we still had a bunch of alcohol and they wanted to play beer pong. I had no choice since Beto threaten me LOL. No lie either! I had Maria as my partner, I was good at first then I got too cocky LOL... Anyway I made Maria take more drinks from me heheeeee. She was already getting drunk, I was getting buzzed so I cut myself before it got worse lol. All in all I learned that say no to peer pressure unless his name is Beto u better do it LOL jk?, vomiting sucks, alcohol is disgusting, I get buzz super quickly, I laugh when Im drunk (and act stupid), and im a twitcher (my eye twitches wen i drink).

I'm tired of thinking about others. I know it's selfish of me to say this but honestly I don't care right now. The more I think about a friend, the more it hurts me...I wish I wasn't like that but I am...

hang out

I don't usually go out and hang with friends. So the few times I get invited, I get really happy and excited....sometimes I don't end up going, so it literally breaks my heart...this might be the case for these invites :/

Reject

I dont know if its silly of me to feel this way...i invited 3 of my friends to a party (the fourth friend that I wish could go was, sadly, not in town)...they decline but not bc they were rude..they had another party to go to. It wasnt their fault..and i told them it was okay bc it truly was...but even so...when i went to bathroom i found myself crying...I didn't feel okay, I found myself being selfish...for some reason i felt like i was being rejected by my friends. And even when they said That if they could they would totally go with me..I honestly didnt believe them...Because who would want to go anywhere with me? I'm not a fun friend at all...im not worth being with...and that is just the sad truth...

4/13/10

Dear Journal,

Oh man, im really messed up. Lots of issues have been coming along the years for me; i knowthat its been awhile since i had written in my powerpuff diary, around 2 yrs i believe, but anywho today i felt the need to talk to someone who wont judge me for well EVERYTHING. Instead of writing in my diary i decided to write in a uhhh..oh yeah! my composition book. So that being the case let me get you up to date with what's happening to me. First off my life sucks--Well not really, more like i suck. My life is perfect, any other peep wouldve want an awesome family like mine (even if they may be strict, that only shows you how much they care for you and your well being). Anywho back to the subject that i suck. I DO. First off school has been a pain in the ass! I feel alone even if i have Ritz and kim to keep me company. I still feel distant from them. Even more with ritz; Ever since she found out that i cut. Its probably just me but now i feel guiltythat Ritz continued back to her old self. What i mean is that she hasnt cut herself for awhile now until recently. She was doing great but now that greatness of hers crumpled to pieces. When she talks about cutting herself, that guilt of mine comes back to haunt me. I try to ignore it but it just seems to mock me. Thats why im trying hard not to tell Lupe where i cut myself next because then im afraid she might continue doing it because of me. She told me not to cut or else she would start doing it too, all over again. And i dont want that to happen because she has someone who loves her with all their heart. Thats Danny-boy--I mean Daniel (got use to the nickname) her boyfriend. Even though i dont know him, i do know that he wants her out of harms way...and so im trying hard to keep that promise to her... but the truth is that i have an addiction problem. I HAVE stop cutting my arm, chest, and ankle but now im cutting my wrist. and i just cant seem to STOP! I want to and yet i dont..i think i need help, but then if i ask for it, they might end up telling my family and they would be disappointed...i dont want that, so im going to try not to hurt myself even further...

Also, I have become more violent...my sis was taking my speakers if i didnt do something, but i became stuborn and said no. I wouldnt let her leave my room until she left my speakers alone. So, i snapped. I felt myself radiating with anger and pure evilness. I was think of different ways to kill her. Oh god wat is wrong with me?! I almost punched her but luckily she moved and i somewhat held back...but if you had seen her eyes filled with fear you too wouldve been afraid of the monster i had become. Im scared that i might end up killing someone i love without having control. Im scared and so because of that im depressed. LIKE EVRY STINKIN DAY!! I feel like i should just end my life..kill myself and say my last words on paper. But then i cant because i dont want to make peeps sad and im not sure if im strong enough to do it... So im going to try to live to my fullest; become a vet, have an awesome corvett, live in a ranch in the countryside, have tons of animals, and maybe a family too..and being an author would be pretty sweet. Anywho thats all i have to say.... oh yeah, when i read my diary apparently i write to many subjects dealing with 'love'..i dont think i believe in it anymore... i havent expierience it and by what i see from others it doesnt look like love.... So no more love talk eh? See ya!

Comment: So my friend talked to me wayyyyy back about not being my fault..and that talk actually helped... so yeah. For me i sometimes do it. Like once or twice but never deep like before... Myt scars are fading thankfully... i still have anger issues.. everyone in dis house does (lolz?)... theirs still something wrong with me and i doubt that will ever change.. oh and about love... a part of me doesnt believe in it.... and so yeah...

5/23/06

Dear Diary,

Guess what?! I might move to a ranch. But the thing that i will miss is all my friends and school. I will meet different people and ride the bus. But in a ranch i get to have different kinds of animals.

comment: I never did write in my diary everyday. i would skip months or weeks, or maybe even years... i wasnt really a writing person back then. Anywho I never did move to a ranch. But i still hope that one day in the future i will and i still LOVE animals.

2/01/06

Dear Diary,

Friends are great. I use to have a lot but not anymore. I only have to best friends named Icela and Ana. I think the other girls dont like me because i'm all that or because i'm annoying to them. And now i am losing my friend that hangs out with me all the time. Icela, i think, is annoyed with me too? I Hope later on I find a true friend that has the same in common with me and doesnt get annoyed. i dont know if theirs a friend like that but i sure hope SO. :C

Comment: I DID use to have a tons of friends back in the day... and i always thought they were my best friends... but they never were... now i have a few close friends but sometimes i feel like im losing them too... i dont want them to leave me either.... :[