It's for the best

I shouldn't be selfish wen it comes to em
It's time for me to let go of something that never existed
It's for the best. 

Soon you'll find yourself completely alone

Recently, I'm starting to feel like this....

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Scars

I have a bunch of tiny scars on my arm, chest, and wrist. Luckily they aren't noticeable, maybe if you knew what you were looking for and were to stare closely you will be able to see them. Thankfully no one has done that, so I don't have to worry about my family finding out about my past (sometimes present).
Although the scars are not visible for others--for me there as clear as words.
Every time I look at the area I can clearly see each little line. Since i'm the one who created them, i'm the only one that can see them...which is good...but at the same time for some messed up reason this makes me want to continue carving into my skin until theirs nothing left...

Still selfish

I'm such a selfish human being. I keep saying that because it's honestly true. I am a very selfish person. Even when I know I'm being selfish I try to cover it up with a lie from others and myself, hoping that by being in denial it will make the lie come true.

The reason why I brought this up was because just a awhile ago I picked up the razor. I was going to hurt myself just because I wanted too. Whenever I cut myself I'm not doing it because I'm feeling down. It's because I just have nothing better to do or just cause I want to see all the little marks left on my skin. All those high school years I told myself and others that I just couldn't take it anymore and that the reason I cut was because I was emotional, not in my right mind....but the fact was that I was in my right mind. I knew I had no reasons to hurt myself, but I still did it because I wanted it badly. And ever since I first tried it, it became an addiction. I was selfish during those moments. Sure I felt guilt for hurting myself and for affecting those around me....but even so I still decided to do it. Just so I can satisfy this hunger I had.
And so tonight, as I held the razor, I started thinking about how selfish I was through out those times and other moments that didn't relate to self harm.
I literally stayed up for an hour just scraping the dead skin around my fingers and thinking of my forms of selfishness...
After I got all those thoughts out of my head, I wanted to slice into my skin so badly. I still do, but after giving it into consideration I decided not to. I guess the guilt over took me....for now...

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I fell back to my old habits

My emotions were all over the place, and I just wanted to feel worse. So I didn't think about it and just did it. I'm not blaming my sister, yes I am angry at her but I'm mainly angry at myself. I blame myself, no one else.

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im such a bad friend....

I shouldn't get depressed over this. I shouldn't try to blame them for making me feel this way. It is not his or their fault. I have to remind myself that they have a right to have other friends. I can't be selfish and try to keep them away from them. I shouldn't be selfish in trying to make them feel guilty. I really hate myself. I hate my feelings, my thoughts, my body, my everything. Just because I have no friends doesn't mean I should take that away from others. Sure it bloody hurts knowing that they have others when I just have them...but that's their right. And I shouldn't feel like this.
I shouldn't.
I wish I didn't.
But I do.....
Stupid me.

dropout

I try not to think about my classes but tonight i just cant help it. I only passed one class and that was Ethnic Studies. I already knew i was going to fail Zool...but i was hoping to pass pre-cal, this is my second time taking it...and once again i failed. All im doing in school is failing every course. Im wasting my parents money a lo menso.They could barely pay their own bills after constanlty giving us money for school.... Sometimes (mostly now a days) ive been wanting to quit school but i cant bring myself in doing it without thinking about everyones disappointment in me. And when i think about that i start thinking about that dreadful-selfish-easy-way-out....

social networks

I'm not sure if im the only one who feels this way...but seriously social networks affect me. When i say affect they usually get me depressed. Because i start acting selfish or start comparing my life to others...i've been wanting (for awhile too) to delete all my accounts..but who am i kidding? Thats never going to happen... so im going to try not to go on fb, twitter, or tumblr. I'm just going to try to be on my blogger, wattpad, or DA;anyother place where i dont follow peeps. Lets see if i can do this for a week...and if i can maybe i can do it longer...

I'm tired of thinking about others. I know it's selfish of me to say this but honestly I don't care right now. The more I think about a friend, the more it hurts me...I wish I wasn't like that but I am...

Reject

I dont know if its silly of me to feel this way...i invited 3 of my friends to a party (the fourth friend that I wish could go was, sadly, not in town)...they decline but not bc they were rude..they had another party to go to. It wasnt their fault..and i told them it was okay bc it truly was...but even so...when i went to bathroom i found myself crying...I didn't feel okay, I found myself being selfish...for some reason i felt like i was being rejected by my friends. And even when they said That if they could they would totally go with me..I honestly didnt believe them...Because who would want to go anywhere with me? I'm not a fun friend at all...im not worth being with...and that is just the sad truth...