I dont know what to do with myself anymore. Somedays I feel like I'm literally going insane. My mind and body feel chaotic and unsure of how it should function. I feel a hot fire inside me that wants to be let out but cant find the exit. Its burning me alive and I hate every moment of it. I cant help but think of negative ways to release that uncomfortable burning sensation. I want to let go but at the same time I'm afraid to let go....

Repeat

This feeling will never leave. Distractions or positive thoughts only last for so long. The negative and suicidal thoughts always come back, sometimes even worse than before. This is the bitter truth, I'm never going to get better. It doesn't matter how many lies I feed myself, the truth will always come back to smack me. The truth being that I'm meant to be stuck in this black hole of my mind. I never try to get better, when I do try I always fall back to where it all began. I honestly don't see a future for myself all I see is a road where I'm finally gone. This thought has always been with me, will I allow myself to make it pass 30? If nature wont kill me, will I? I never wanted to voice this out loud but I've consciously and unconsciously told myself that if I don't get better before that number, I don't see a point of continuing anymore. I may be melodramatic, but my mind just believes these thoughts. 

Let me stay

This is why I didn't want to come back home so soon.
Because I then start crying for not being able to stay.
And I so badly want to just stay.
I don't want to be 6 hrs away.
I want to be home.
Why can't I stay...
Please let me stay...

Why can't I be different?!
Why is it so hard for me to focus and grasp this information?!
Why is it so hard?!
Why must I give up so easily?
Why.....

Sick twisted mind

Moments like these, I really want run the blade over my bear arm...the only thing stopping from that is the fact that my sister would notice...the only way I can release is by staying in a smaller area...but even that isn't enough....

It's sad when

I always have to carry a blade with me...

Why am i crying over this? Stupid!

I honestly thought I would have a friend
But it was just pity

What am up doing with my life?

I know I say this from time to time but seriously what am I doing? Nothing that's what. My life isn't going anywhere. I try to think positive but let's be honest here I'm not good at anything. In not good at being successful or just moving forward in life. I'm too much of a coward. And I will always be a coward until the day I die--whenever that will be. Sometimes I wonder why I'm still trying to do this, why I haven't given up already. How much longer am I going to hold on....

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What my dark thought usually consist of...

I don't want to die but I deserve too...

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I'm so fucking depressed

What am I doing with my life? I have no fucking clue! All I'm doing right now is making a deeper shit hole for myself.... I thought I would do better this year but I already feel myself giving up. I hate myself, I wish I wasn't like this...

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Why is living so hard....

Nights are the worst.
My thoughts have succumbed to darkness once again.
And once their there they can never come back.
These negative thoughts of mine only achieve in making me feel hopeless in life.
I'm starting to panic and wishing for the easier way out...which scares me...
If I'm like this now, how will I be in the future?
Will I even have a future... ?

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Unanswered plea

School is getting nearer...it's freaking me out. I wish I didn't have to go back, I wish I could stay here. I don't mind being locked in my room or not going anywhere--yeah it can become depressing but I rather be depressed here then over there. At least here I have familiar faces but over there I don't. I just have my sister and sometimes it's just isn't enough... please don't make me go back...

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My heart is thumping to fast...

Like it knows I'm going to do something stupid...

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Lately i've been feeling under the weather; i've gotten lazier, my energy is literally no where up to speed. There are moments when I want to do something like paint, draw, or write...but just as soon as I get excited t my little energy leaves me and once again im faced with utter tiredness and depression. All I want to do is lay somewhere and either stare at something without thinking or just sleep. I hate this feeling. I wish I had friends I could hang out with. I'm tired of being lonely and not experiencing the fun of the outside world with other people...I just don't want to be tired anymore....

Tearful night

I asked my mom for some sleeping medicine. She gave me some and I was hoping to instantly fall asleep before my thoughts kicked in...but it was hopeless. The thoughts came back fool force. I feel like I have another voice feeling me these negative stuff. Instead of sleeping I'm crying now because all I can think about is my death. How my life is worth nothing. How everything I did to this point is absolutely valueless. How easily expendable I can be...and although I hate the fact that many will cry, I will soon be forgotten like when I was living. And I think that makes me sad the most.

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It's funny

I haven't talked to An this week, well technically he hasn't replied back. He's been busy with chem work and I just didn't want to disturb him so I decided not bother him. And yet I miss him. It's funny how one of my last posts I talked about ignoring people. I completely failed on that part. I can't ignore them forever because I end up missing them. I bet this is karma at its finest...it sucks. He's the only friend that talks to me, I can't let this friendship fade. I just can't. Without him I would definitely feel like I have no one...

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I started painting again...

Hopefully It'll take away my stress...

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I have no friends

Yes I do. I do have them. They might not always be by my side or I might not always talk to them but they are there....that should be enough...so why is it that I feel like I have no one?
Why do I keep saying I have no friends...? Why do I always wish I had them...why?

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Nagging voice

I keep thinking that I have no one. A voice inside my head keeps telling me that I can let go. That I have no one to hold me back therefore I should just get it over with. I know I shouldn't listen to that dark voice but sometimes it just feels like it's telling me the truth...

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Need to stop...not healthy

I need to stop this nonsense! I shouldn't be feeling this! Not anymore! I need to stop thinking of the past and live in the now. I decided to go down this road so I need to ably by it. Going back to memory lane doesn't help, it only hurts. It makes me regret things which I guess I shouldn't since I would do the same thing all over again. Maybe in another life everything would've been different. I would've been different...but that just a fantasy, sadly, this is reality. I'm sorry, I shouldn't make anymore harder... *sigh*
Never thought I would be in this position...

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