Scars

I have a bunch of tiny scars on my arm, chest, and wrist. Luckily they aren't noticeable, maybe if you knew what you were looking for and were to stare closely you will be able to see them. Thankfully no one has done that, so I don't have to worry about my family finding out about my past (sometimes present).
Although the scars are not visible for others--for me there as clear as words.
Every time I look at the area I can clearly see each little line. Since i'm the one who created them, i'm the only one that can see them...which is good...but at the same time for some messed up reason this makes me want to continue carving into my skin until theirs nothing left...

I fell back to my old habits

My emotions were all over the place, and I just wanted to feel worse. So I didn't think about it and just did it. I'm not blaming my sister, yes I am angry at her but I'm mainly angry at myself. I blame myself, no one else.

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Unreliable

Its disappointing that I can't attend my friends special day. I can't go to Ritz Baptist or Guada's 20th b-day...just because I live so fucking far. Ugh, I still hate myself about choosing this school. Nothing good has happened here, if I would've just stayed back home I wouldn't have wasted so much money or taken money from my parents (they barely have enough for themselves...) and I could've still had the company of my few friends....I could of even gone to these special events! But no, i had to choose this god awful place. Now i'm stuck here for awhile more and I've become an even more unreliable friend. Although I guess the unreliable part shouldn't be a surprise, I'm never there for my friends. I'm such a useless human being...

im such a bad friend....

I shouldn't get depressed over this. I shouldn't try to blame them for making me feel this way. It is not his or their fault. I have to remind myself that they have a right to have other friends. I can't be selfish and try to keep them away from them. I shouldn't be selfish in trying to make them feel guilty. I really hate myself. I hate my feelings, my thoughts, my body, my everything. Just because I have no friends doesn't mean I should take that away from others. Sure it bloody hurts knowing that they have others when I just have them...but that's their right. And I shouldn't feel like this.
I shouldn't.
I wish I didn't.
But I do.....
Stupid me.

mad at myself

(Contains errors)

Back to being morbid...well not really. I just started thinking...although my thinking time usually makes me depressed....

Earlier tonight, my sis told me how she commented to my brother that I wanted bat wings for a tattoo. His response was like always, "over my dead body". Even though i knew his reaction it got me thinking which then got me annoyed. Annoyed at him and everybody else in the family..but especially myself...

I hate it when my family tells me I can't do stuff. I mean i understand that when i was younger but now that im 19, I have to follow their rules; aka do the things they think is best for me. Its really freaking annoying! Its like i have no choice in my own descisions. Which brings me to the point of being annoyed with myself.

As i grew up, I was disciplined to think that my family's say in my life is absolute. Everytime i want to do something because i want to i just cant. All because i start thinking, "what would my parents say?" And of course they would say to do the complete opposite of what i want....anyways i dont want to sound like im blaming my family for everything that is wrong with me...bc im not! Im mad at myself!

My family raised me well, im lucky to have them in my life. Im just pissed that i cant be brave enough to make my own decisions in life without trying to dissapoint them...I fudging suck!