someone new

This isn't how I wanted to start this. I actually had something else written before I couldn't manage to make my point across that I decided to delete it and start over. This time instead of getting all wrapped around my own words i'm just going to cut to the chase.

I met a new friend this semester. 

She's 2 years younger than me ( i think)

She's emoish, shy, weird, fidgety, depressing, and cute. 

I think what I like the most about her was her depressing side.

I know that sounds wrong of me but i'm being honest. 

I can't help it, she expressed herself to me and I somewhat expressed myself to her as well. 

In a way I feel like we understand each other, maybe not completely but almost. 

I like her

she's a cool person. 

You were my first true friend. Before 8th grade I had people I thought were my friends, but they werent. It didn't matter to them when I left their group and that sucked....but then I realized it wasn't as bad because that's when I met you and J. I knew that in that point in time I met my true friends. I remember the times when we would call each other, and though half of the time we didn't know what to talk about we improvised with music. We would put our favorite songs on the phone and just listen to it together. And that was honestly wonderful.
And when A showed up, I remember being so jealous of her, because she knew you better than I did. I was afraid that you would leave me behind but you didnt. Soon I realized how great of a person my 'rival' was and I immediately hit it off with her.
We became quite  a group...
When middle school came to an end and high school began, I was sad to be separated from all of you guys. Mostly I felt our friendship starting to head in differ courses. With the meetings of new people in our lives I thought ours wouldn't make it...but it did. And along with that friendship, I started to feel something for you. Something that was new to me. You were my closest friend friend as well as my first constant crush. It was something strange but during those moments with you I really thought of you as something deeper...but then some time passed and I realized that It was just an obsession...though my crush for you left, my friendship for you never did. I still thought of you as the closest person in my life....
The reason I bring this up is because I miss us. I've been through so much with you, and now I feel like we no longer know each other. Sometimes I wonder if you remember me? Remember the close bond we use to have? Our friendship?
Do you miss it?
Because I do....

Best friend

When it comes to having a best friend, I would consider my only friends my best friends. I wouldn't single out one individual really as the ONE best friend
Because in a way I always thought that with each friend I would be able to talk about  a specific topic more comfortably than what I would be able to do with the others...
But if I were to say who was my best friend I would probably have said the one girl who I probably shared the most to in my entire life. And although sometimes I would find myself uncomfortable with certain topics, somehow we still managed to get through. For some strange reason she listened to me and cared to know more about me even though I didn't understand why....and then I started feeling the same way, I always wanted to know more about her. See if she was okay, know her fears, and always try to make it better. I really see her as the closest of all my friends even with the distance and no communication. That doesn't matter to me, in the end she is a wonderful best friend.

Not a worthy friend...

My friends grandpa died last Thursday, I didn't find out till Saturday because that's when I finally txt him back about a book he lend me. And ever since he told me I haven't really talked to him as much or asked how's he's doing. He told me his family was getting together for a week to honor his grandfather, so I understand that right now he's busy and can't talk as much. Although when he does reply, I don't know what to say. From his texts he doesn't seem as upset but yet again texts are usually not concrete forms of evidence on how a person feels. I've been meaning to ask him if he truly is okay but I don't know how to bring it up. Honestly I don't know what I should do. I feel like I should be more focused about this rather than enjoying my books or other current pleasures of mine. I feel like such a bad friend for not being their for him...this sucks...I suck..

Posted via Blogaway

:)

Today I got a sudden txt from my friend saying if I wanted to hangout on Wed. It made me sooooo happy. Like you don't know how much. I don't get many texts like these (none really), so just this one made me almost cry for joy. It makes me feel like I actually matter in this life...

Posted via Blogaway

Rant

I hate the fact that my mom tries to make me feel guilty when I go out with friends. She starts saying how I'm always leaving her alone and spending the whole day out with others. Which is utter bull! I never go out! I don't have a social life at all! Is it wrong that now that I'm on summer break I want to spend it with my only few friends as much as possible before I have to go back to school and become misearable? Anyway it's not like I'm going out every freaking day! I don't get why she says these things, it hurts a lot to hear this as well as it angers me....and what hurts even more is that she doesn't trust my friend just because he's gay. Today I told her I was going over to his house and the first thing she did was gasp. She was horrified, and kept telling me not to go inside his house or room. Saying that he could do things to me. It pissed me off and I told her if he invites me to his room I will definitely go in. And she was literally mad! And finally when I came back, she was telling me how she was afraid I would marry him. And just to rally her up further I told she should be afraid because I will marry him. And then I sarcastically joked how I would have to keep an eye on him because he would probably cheat on me with a hot guy. My mom wasn't happy with my response and told me to stop saying such idiotic things.
Ha, if she only knew that her daughter liked a girl and even kissed 2 girls in her life. I'm pretty sure she would burst... *sigh*

Posted via Blogaway

Anderson

It's been awhile since I skyped with my close friend, Anderson. It's funny how every time I txt him about wanting to Skype I hesitate because I'm unsure of what we are going to talk about....and yet when we start talking we some how manage to keep the conversation flowing. It makes me really happy being able to talk openly with him. I'm actually comfortable with where our conversations go...and yet why is it so hard to tell him about some specific stuff? There are specific stuff I really want to talk to him about... one was about my self harm problem and the other was about the girl I had(ve) mix feelings on... so many chances I had tonight to bring it up. I was so freaking close to just blurring it out and yet I didn't. I held my tongue. I know I can count on him, so why is it that I hold back on these 2 (and other) subjects?
I guess you could say I'm afraid that he would look at me differently or maybe I'm afraid that he will feel betrayed because I wasn't able to trust him....
I don't know...I just know that I REALLY want to tell him but at the same time I'm scared to do it.

Posted via Blogaway

Unreliable

Its disappointing that I can't attend my friends special day. I can't go to Ritz Baptist or Guada's 20th b-day...just because I live so fucking far. Ugh, I still hate myself about choosing this school. Nothing good has happened here, if I would've just stayed back home I wouldn't have wasted so much money or taken money from my parents (they barely have enough for themselves...) and I could've still had the company of my few friends....I could of even gone to these special events! But no, i had to choose this god awful place. Now i'm stuck here for awhile more and I've become an even more unreliable friend. Although I guess the unreliable part shouldn't be a surprise, I'm never there for my friends. I'm such a useless human being...

Couldn't sleep last night

For some reason I kept thinking about the past, particularly on my first girl crush...It was such a random thought, I was just remembering how I couldn't stop thinking about them and how I always wanted to be closer...and how I would make excuses just to be closer to her. It was a crazy moment for me, and I still don't know why I was so heads over heels over her. I wonder if I was exaggerating too much. I mean now i don't see her like that, but I still can't understand why I was attracted to her. That's why I couldn't fall asleep, I was relieving every moment I had with her and wondering why...i'm still not sure why.

kissy games

My friend and I had a conversation on the topics of spin the bottle and 7 minutes in heaven. I told him how growing up, i honestly wanted to do spin the bottle. For some reason older movies i watched usually had these game as a scene so i grew up thinking that this is what you might usually do in some sort of hang out. Or not, anyway! The point was that im curious and always i wanted to expierience it. My friend told me his expierience and came to the conclusion how we should do it one time with friends just to break the ice. LOL. I liked his idea and we literally talked about it for awhile...ahaha

From happy to scared

Yesterday I skyped with An. I really enjoy our chatting time. We don't often do it anymore (my fault), but the times we do its absolutely wonderful...Every time we talk, I always find myself voicing some of my fears out loud. I don't usually do that, but with him it just happens. Although they are still specif topics that I never mentioned to him before...Those topics are hard for me to even bring up...and yet I find myself Wanting to tell him...I guess you could say im scared. Scared of what? I'm not entirely sure. I know he won't make any rude comments...but the idea of telling him (or anyone else for that matter) is scary....

I'm jealous...

I have no right to feel this way...but I do

Miss

I've been feeling weird lately... not suicidal wise..i'm talking about friend wise. I've been missing my friends a lot, but truthfully i've been missing one particular friend more. We don't really talk a lot. I'm always talking with An. Once in awhile I txt her because I genuinely want to know how she is. We use to be very close in H.S and I guess I miss that (or so i keep telling myself). I'm always hoping that she'll txt me out of the blue so we can catch up. And when that doesnt happen (at times) I sometimes don't try to txt her because I feel like i'm a) annoying her or b) I'll hurt her. So I don't...but that doesnt mean i'm not thinking about her. I'm always hoping that she is having a better life than me. Always hoping that she's happy in life. Always hoping for the best for her. Because I know that she deserves that and much more....

i haven't talked about this, but if you read my posts from the past, i was seriously crushing on this girl; one of my close friends actually. Well, guess what? We were a couple for awhile. I say for awhile because I broke it off. Can you believe that? Me, the one who was heads over heels for her broke it off over a phone call. It was really stupid of me....but for some reason being in a relationship was too hard for me. Like literally, I felt like the walls where closing in on me. I felt like i was doing something wrong. It made me paranoid. You see, I grew up as a catholic and my parents are very religious. so ya must understand how hard it was for me to ignore those beliefs. I mean I have nothing wrong with same sex couples but for some reason when it deals with me, i feel like i'm doing something wrong. And it literally brings these negative thoughts in my head and gives me really bad anxiety. I never knew how anxiety felt like, until one night i was seriously crying and breathing so hard that i thought my chest would fall out. I didn't mean to feel like that, it just happened. Im not trying to say that being with her was horrible. Because it wasn't. Their was still a part of me that felt a bit happy. It felt good knowing that i was the reason she would smile or laugh. Every time i would find myself lucky to see that carefree side of her. It was really adorable and i felt my self blushing and wanting to kiss her and hold her. But the sad reality was that my negative side was constantly nagging me. And I actually listened to it. Because in the end, the negative side is the sad truth. I can't be with her. Because in order to be with her i need to feel comfortable in my own skin...which is seriously a struggle to achieve. If i cant be comfortable in my own skin how can i be comfortable around someone else? because im not. Especially if we r lovey dovey. I just can't. It's hard. Even if a part of me starts to relax and enjoy the warmth of her hand inside mine, i still can't help but have these constant thoughts that someone is touching me and get the chills of  how disgusting/unworthy i am.
    Did you know that when we first kissed it was actually our first and last one? Let me say that when i first kissed her, the concept of kissing was rather weird. i didn't feel butterflies...and sadly i actually remembered about that girl from my past... but for some reason i went in for another kiss. i dont know why, even though it was strange, i still felt myself lured to those lips. And gosh was i a horrible kisser lol she never said anything about it but i felt like i was doing it wrong lol?  but i was still happy that she was my first kiss. Anyway I didn't kiss her anymore after that because i started getting those evil thoughts of mine. And after that it just became worse. I didn't think it would be right of me to kiss her when i was going through this so i didnt try even though i knew she wanted me to (and even wen a small part of me wanted to i wouldnt do it).
In the end because of my problematic issues we weren't together that long. We actually didn't see each other as much so in the end i felt like it was wrong of me to get her hopes up even more. so i broke it off, and even though i feel like it was the best thing to do, i still felt sad that she wouldnt be mine anymore. it kind of still bums me out that i cant be with her but i feel like through time things will get better. Right now it still hurts a bit...but with time I seriously hope she forgets her feelings for me and finds that special person. I really want her to be happy. She deserves it. And any guy or girl would be lucky to have her.
Shoot i was lucky, but i wasn't strong enough to fight for it. I was weak and she doesn't deserve that. she deserves strength and i know theirs someone out there who can give her that and much more.
     Hopefully he/she gets here soon

Special Friend

   Tonight was a long one. I just finished Talking to my friend, Anderson. We talked for 3 and a half hours....soo long that we didn't even notice that it was already dark outside. We talked about so many things that could relate to anyone who worries about their future. It was a very nice and interesting conversation. So nice that it made me realize (as we talked) that I found that special friend I always wanted. I had him in front of me all this time but i never noticed until now. I remembered one of my diary entries from when i was a child ( 2/1/06); at that time i said "I hope later on I find  a truly friend that have the same in common & doesn't get annoy. i don't know if theirs a friend like that but i sure hope So. :(".
      Anderson also wants to become a vet but that's not the reason why i see him as a special friend. He's always making sure to keep in touch. He doesn't want to lose our friendship and is always txting me everyday even when i take days to answer him, he continues to literally blow up my cell. He shows me that he's still there for me even if i want it or not. And for some reason he wants to actually talk to me. It warms my heart knowing that he doesn't find me annoying (yet lol?). If i were little again, i would have never imagine that special friend to be a guy especially. This is the first time i ever had a close guy friend. And im sooo happy that he was the one. I feel so close to him, i dont want that to ever change. Im not interested in him like THAT (He's gay[which is not the point, but felt like pointing out]), i feel like i have another brother. One that i can talk about life in general. Although their r some stuff that i still havent told him about myself. Im afraid that if i do, he might see me differently and i dont want that.... but yet for some reason i wanna tell him so many things and i hope he can see how much he means to me. I love that fool a tons. He's part of my family like the rest of my closer friends. I hope we continue to be close as the days go by.

10/17/06

Dear Diary,

Today was a great day. My mom had to take care of Yazmine (a friend of mine). We made a killer ginger bread man for halloween and buried our treasure in the neighbors yard next to my garbage. -draws a map-

comment: Come to think of it...those days with her were the best days in my life. I actually enjoyed life. I had fun with it....but soon that happiness left. She faded away just like the rest and i digged up that treasure alone....

Bonding

I've been bonding a lot with my friend Anderson. He's a really awesome dude. And i dont really have guy friends sooo this is a really new thing for me... anyways i've been bonding with him a lot..and i always seem to talk about him without me even realizing it. It's just that im so happy to have a guy friend and like i said i've been hanging out more with him afterschool and during school than my other friend. So anyways i keep talking about him that my family thinks i like him but the fact is i dont, not like that that is! i just see him as a friend.. although i did try -at one point- to like him like THAT, but i just couldnt because i like(d) someone else at the moment... Back to this... even Stephy (a freshman in my art class) keeps saying his my Boyfriend... i never had a bf..and i dont really see myself going out right now... although sometimes i do wish... but yeah i just hate when my fam keeps saying i like him like that.. they dont understand how much i appreciate our friendship..