Why is this?!

Why must my mind keep replaying all those non exsistant possiblities?
Just stop!

2 years ago O.P (older post)

im feeling rather strange tonight.

it feels like a good strange. I feel actually happy. I feel hyper. I feel like doing anything crazy right about now….but also theirs this other ‘strange’ feeling bothering me somewhat…i can feel it there. Just behind the ‘Happy feeling’. It wants to suck me in to its negativity..and somewhat im afraid of falling back in…ima try hard not to.

_____________________________________________________
Can you guess what happened? That's right I fell back...

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I'm sensitive to certain topics

Going to make it short.
Dad,sis, and me went to pick up my mom from the airport.
I was really happy to see her.
Once on the ride back home we started conversing.
The subject on our recent exercising was brought up.
Mom basically said I still looked fat...
She was trying to make a joke out of it but it still hurt. I tried so hard not to cry.
And finally when I thought it was over, the mention of me breaking the running machine was brought up as well.
Once again my weight problem came back.
It became so hard to hold back the tears.
When we came back home I was forced to eat something since I didn't eat anything today.
I wasn't hungry and now I just don't want to eat anymore....
Now everyone went to bed and I can finally cry myself to sleep...

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Night time is honesty time

I shouldn't ever converse during the night, I become an open book. For some this might seem like a good thing but to me it's just a bad thing. Once I start talking about my feelings, it's hard to shut me up. And once those feelings are out I might do something incredibly dumb that I will then regret in the morning. Although the night brings out the real person I wish to be, it also brings out the fears of what it could be...

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I've seen this video called "first kiss"
Where they get 2 random peeps to kiss for the first time, and although they are really actors,  I very much still enjoyed it.
It was so sweet, although it made me feel kind of jealous.
I've only kissed one person in my life, 2 if you count when I was little, not that I didn't like it. I did...but it was only once..and that was the end of that.
Now I just feel kind of sad knowing I never really had any dating experience really. All because a)I'm self insecure /negative and b) I'm too shy

jumbling thoughts

Once again I stoped writing....not because I was too lazy but because whenever I tried to write I couldn't form out the proper words to describe how miserable I've been feeling lately...the only reason I've decided to write tonight is because I feel like if I don't let it out I'm going to go insane. So that being said my words may not make sense at all...at least I tried right? Also it probably will contain a tons of grammar errors...you've been warned

• First off is school. I start this Tuesday, I'm leaving on Sunday morning....I don't want to go back there. I HATE it. You already know how suckish my college experience has been so far, I honestly don't believe it's going to change. It never does. Im always ending up screwing up in my studies and having no social life at all. It fudging depressing and I seriously don't want to go through another semester feeling useless. A few weeks ago I've started to rant in my head "I don't want to go" over and over again wishing that it would come true. Sometimes I will even get angry with myself non why I was so stupid to move 6 hrs away from home. Back in H.S I always thought that getting as far away from home would make things better for me. But it didn't, it made things worse... I should've known that when it comes to me, living far away is never such a good idea...I wish I could change the past, I know I can't and shouldn't dwell on it..but it's too hard to move on! I'm so stupid! It's as if by staying the past I can somehow change the future. SO IDIOTIC!!  I don't know what I'm doing anymore... ever since the first semester in college all I've been thinking about is planning my death in the forest. I know it messed if me to think like that but I can't help it. Where I live is completely surrounded by a forest, It's the perfect place to die and not be found.....but like I said before there just thoughts. They never become true. Because even though a part of me wishes to just go end it another part of me is afraid of death. Ha, can you believe that? I never thought that the day would come that I would fear to die...but I do. I wish it and yet I fear it. 
• I've been having these other feelings. I'm not going to talk thoroughly about them because I'm choosing to ignore them and forget. I'm not sure if it means anything...Sometimes I think I'm having another 'obsession' ... but either way it doesn't matter. If I decide to listen to them, Its not like I'm going to act upon them. So it doesn't matter...I just wish my...whatever it is...would listen too.
• Friends. I might make this short as well. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my close (and only) friends. I'm honestly not really close to anybody anymore. I don't try to talk to them or ask how they are doing. For some reason just asking that is hard for me to do. I know some are having problems and I do worry about them but I never ask. I'm really useless when it comes for a helping hand. And it's funny how I get depressed whenever they talk amongst each other and I get left out. Its not their fault to be able to confide in someone else. Someone who they know they can trust. I honestly hate having these human qualities. I seriously wish I didn't have them. I HATE being selfish.....
• Appearance. It's gotten worst...I think I told you once how I would usually find myself staring in the mirror and hate on every little detail of my face. Now I've been looking more at my body. I usually try not to look in the mirror and stare myself whenever I go take a shower. But I end up doing it and what I see I HATE. I keep finding more imperfections. I'm honestly repulse by how I look. So repulsed that I  even looked up online if there were ways to fix certain areas....I even started thinking about how if someone would ever marry me. And if they, by some miracle, did how would I be able to sleep with them knowing how hideous my body was?  I know I shouldn't worry about that since I haven't been actually socializing with anyone, to be able to date someone...and I've especially haven't been having sex. Shoot that is not gonna happen anytime soon...but the point is that I still can't help but think about how my sex life will be. If it's so hard to look at myself naked in the mirror, how am I going to be comfortable getting seen by another person?....anyway enough of the thinking ahead. I honestly just hate my body. I'm not comfortable with the way I look. This should be motivation to work out but whenever I try to do a small workout I think about how losing weight will not make me look any prettier and so I feel my motivation go down the drain. I'm always going to be ugly....
• Self-harm. I haven't done it. I've been thinking about it a lot...but I will always try to distract myself and forget about it. Although there were times when I started scratching the back of my hand with a Bobby pin, trying to push the pin deeper...but I stopped before any really damage could occur....and then just yesterday I tried to burn myself with my computer charger...well I was hoping too. My computer charger gets SUPER hot. So hot that whenever you touch it you automatically want to flinch away....so I decided to put my hand on there...it was really unbearable...but I held on..and then it was getting cooler. Apparently I had pulled the plug from the socket so the charger was starting to cool down awhile back...so nothing bad happen...I kind found it as a disappointment...and a relief as well....

So that's that...I could keep going but I think it's enough for one night. I honestly wasn't expecting to write THAT much. Half way through a sentence I couldn't find myself able to stop writing....but yeah it's been crappy these weeks...hopefully it gets better I guess..anyway it's late time to sleep...

Night= Open

I'm not much of a 'talk about my feelings' kind of person. I mean when it comes to talking to someone about them I just can't. It's really hard of me to do. I grew up with a family that's close off when it comes to their feelings. We just keep quiet, so I've always been like that. Although their are moments when I really want to but just can't seem to speak. It's as if i'm tongue tied. So I just shut up and keep it to myself.

And yet somehow I'm really talkative and open during the night. It's weird, I just start yapping about my feelings. I may not do it with family but with friends I do. It's not like i'm doing it intentionally, its as if my once tongue tied problem is no longer tied up. Really, what is it about the Night that makes me so open when during the day I'm closed off as hell....

Feb. 18,2011 (I can't believe I did this during one of my religious class...)

i haven't talked about this, but if you read my posts from the past, i was seriously crushing on this girl; one of my close friends actually. Well, guess what? We were a couple for awhile. I say for awhile because I broke it off. Can you believe that? Me, the one who was heads over heels for her broke it off over a phone call. It was really stupid of me....but for some reason being in a relationship was too hard for me. Like literally, I felt like the walls where closing in on me. I felt like i was doing something wrong. It made me paranoid. You see, I grew up as a catholic and my parents are very religious. so ya must understand how hard it was for me to ignore those beliefs. I mean I have nothing wrong with same sex couples but for some reason when it deals with me, i feel like i'm doing something wrong. And it literally brings these negative thoughts in my head and gives me really bad anxiety. I never knew how anxiety felt like, until one night i was seriously crying and breathing so hard that i thought my chest would fall out. I didn't mean to feel like that, it just happened. Im not trying to say that being with her was horrible. Because it wasn't. Their was still a part of me that felt a bit happy. It felt good knowing that i was the reason she would smile or laugh. Every time i would find myself lucky to see that carefree side of her. It was really adorable and i felt my self blushing and wanting to kiss her and hold her. But the sad reality was that my negative side was constantly nagging me. And I actually listened to it. Because in the end, the negative side is the sad truth. I can't be with her. Because in order to be with her i need to feel comfortable in my own skin...which is seriously a struggle to achieve. If i cant be comfortable in my own skin how can i be comfortable around someone else? because im not. Especially if we r lovey dovey. I just can't. It's hard. Even if a part of me starts to relax and enjoy the warmth of her hand inside mine, i still can't help but have these constant thoughts that someone is touching me and get the chills of  how disgusting/unworthy i am.
    Did you know that when we first kissed it was actually our first and last one? Let me say that when i first kissed her, the concept of kissing was rather weird. i didn't feel butterflies...and sadly i actually remembered about that girl from my past... but for some reason i went in for another kiss. i dont know why, even though it was strange, i still felt myself lured to those lips. And gosh was i a horrible kisser lol she never said anything about it but i felt like i was doing it wrong lol?  but i was still happy that she was my first kiss. Anyway I didn't kiss her anymore after that because i started getting those evil thoughts of mine. And after that it just became worse. I didn't think it would be right of me to kiss her when i was going through this so i didnt try even though i knew she wanted me to (and even wen a small part of me wanted to i wouldnt do it).
In the end because of my problematic issues we weren't together that long. We actually didn't see each other as much so in the end i felt like it was wrong of me to get her hopes up even more. so i broke it off, and even though i feel like it was the best thing to do, i still felt sad that she wouldnt be mine anymore. it kind of still bums me out that i cant be with her but i feel like through time things will get better. Right now it still hurts a bit...but with time I seriously hope she forgets her feelings for me and finds that special person. I really want her to be happy. She deserves it. And any guy or girl would be lucky to have her.
Shoot i was lucky, but i wasn't strong enough to fight for it. I was weak and she doesn't deserve that. she deserves strength and i know theirs someone out there who can give her that and much more.
     Hopefully he/she gets here soon

Sad truth: Beauty is everything....

I'm not beautiful. I know I'm not, even if some peeps say I am. I don't believe them because every time I look in the mirror I see an ugly person staring back. And it doesn't help that now-a-days society see's beauty as everything. I'm always comparing myself to those who were born pretty. Outer beauty is more important than inner beauty. That's just the honest truth. No matter how you try to look at it, peeps always take into consideration the outer beauty of a person. I know it shouldn't get to me, but seriously it's hard to ignore. My whole life I grew up believing that in order to be happy, you needed to be beautiful. And because of that I became insecure and uncomfortable in my own skin. I wish I could have been born pretty; I wish I could change even now.....but the sad reality is that that won't ever happen. I'm never going to be beautiful no matter how much I wish. I need to get use to this....

It gets better over time..

I've been pretty okay now a days... maybe not all that great but for now its good.. anyways i erased some posts about the person i like... why? well because i want to move on. I dont mean i want to forget about her, she's still my friend and will always be but what i want is not to feel 'struck' everyday...we both dont deserve it the pain, nothing will change between us and its okay. I chosed it like that and so did she. So i dont wanna think about it so i took some posts off...my feeling are buried deep within again and i dont plan in resurffing them any time soon.. because for now i havent sufered for the 'what if's' and i've been enjoying the few friends i have during school. Im okay.....

That feeling

I hate having the feeling like you dont belong in this world.. like no one cares about you..that your not important..or that your life isnt worth it... i had that feeling today, i took a breather in backyard trying to clear my mind from the negativity... but it got worse because outside was too quite and all i could hear were my thoughts screaming how useless i am... I just decidedto sleep on a bench.. and watch nothing in particular....and then my dog (strangly) knew i was feeling down... he jumped on my bench and tried to get my attention... he made me smile at least for those few seconds.... i wish it were enough though...

Realization

so far from my diary entries from the past i have to say, for a young girl i really had way too many crushes on boys. Like literally! it would only last less than a week and then i would target some other fool ----____----" this makes me wonder if my feelings for this peep today are just like my past ones... i dont think so...but i dont know anymore.. oh and also i just realize i should had made 'comments' a different color @__@ too late now because when i try to fix it, it wont let me...ugh my bad.. lolz?