Old Habits never die.... :/

College hasn't gotten better at all. I'm miserable! I absolutely hate it! A little over a year at a HSU and i'm still doing bad! I havent improved in my sciences classes! I'm failing AGAIN! Im just wasting money...and not trying hard enough. Sometimes I feel like i have just given up. Sometimes I just want to start cutting. Yes, I did say that. A part of me wants to go back to the old habits and start self harming again...And not because I want to "feel alive", I want to cut b/c I feel like I deserve it. Everything that is happening in my life, I deserve it. It's my fault I screwed up! I DESERVE THIS!! So that's one 'reason' why I want to hurt myself badly, another 'reason' is that--stupid really--i hope to slip one day. I hope that when i'm hurting myself i 'accidentally' cut myself to deep and die. Because, honestly, dying seems like a easier way out. A selfish but easy way.... I know I shouldn't think this way, but i seriously cant help it. it's gotten worse over the days. I've been having more suicidal thought than ever before and yet I still havent touched the blade. No matter how much I wanted to, I havent. Although with each passing day its getting harder to control it. I find myself slipping.. and any moment now...i will go back to being the same old me.

Reject

I dont know if its silly of me to feel this way...i invited 3 of my friends to a party (the fourth friend that I wish could go was, sadly, not in town)...they decline but not bc they were rude..they had another party to go to. It wasnt their fault..and i told them it was okay bc it truly was...but even so...when i went to bathroom i found myself crying...I didn't feel okay, I found myself being selfish...for some reason i felt like i was being rejected by my friends. And even when they said That if they could they would totally go with me..I honestly didnt believe them...Because who would want to go anywhere with me? I'm not a fun friend at all...im not worth being with...and that is just the sad truth...

moments..

Moments like these my mind becomes plagued with suicidal thoughts. I start thinking of ways to kill myself or how one day i will snap and just end it right then and there without giving it much though. How after i am dead i wont have to worry about my future any longer or get depressed over every little thing...as i start thinking about all these selfish thoughts of mine, the images of my family crying over the loss of their dead daughter and sister brings me to tears. Imagining what my parents and bros would go through haunts my mind as well. I dont want to cause them suffering and i know i should stop thinking this way..but there r just moments when i want everything to end...i dont want to think about anyone getting hurt, i just want to let go...and im afraid dat one day i will..

BFF is not always forever

They never last... It's sad how friendship from when we were young can break apart so easily....we were so innocent back then...and now we are not... A part of me wishes to go back to the old days...just a small tiny part...

Feb. 18,2011 (I can't believe I did this during one of my religious class...)

Found a notebook from the past and came across this...

"My name is Liz. I'm currently 14 yrs old. My life is very depressing--why? I don't know. Probably because i'm very...uhh not fun? I don't know..."

Why Am I So Negative?

Ever since I was a child I would always be negative. I never really saw the bright side in a situation. To me there was NO bright side. And in a way I still feel like that. Theirs no light waiting for me at the end of this dark tunnel. It's only a pit of darkness that is awaiting to swallow me hole....I don't know why i do this to myself. I don't understand what happened to me to make me such a negative person. All i know is that this negativity of mine will never leave me be. I don't see myself being positive...i really don't.
Although, I do "hope that the light wins" (my teacher's comment on my psychological picture).