Dulce

     Something else I want to talk about Is my Yorkie Dulce. I haven't talked about her on here, it's always hard to talk about her without crying. If you don't have an idea by now...she died. On September 28, 2013 to be precise; a week before my birthday...

    Losing her was really hard on our family. She was a big part of us. She slept with us, dined with us, followed  us...she was like another family member. And losing her was like losing another part of us. It left a hole in our house. Let's just say the house hasn't been the same without her...

    We don't cry anymore...but every time we talk about all the cute/funny/frustrating things she would do we would find our eyes tearing up with the happy memories. We know she's gone, but sometimes we find ourselves saying stuff like "Close the door before Dulce gets out" or when we enter the house our first immediate response is to call her name...but then we stop ourselves half way and have to remember that she's in a better place.

   But even so it's still hard... We miss her a lot. And it sucks, especially for sis and me, that we didn't get to see her for one last time....

It'll get better they say..Lies (College Life)

I talked about my College Life already, but I never throughly talked about my social life in College. I'm pretty sure since my last post you get the point that I have NO friends at all. A little bit more than a year and still I don't have anyone. I've been meaning to talk about this because honestly its been bothering me for quite some time now. Actually, every stinking day it feels like a jab to the heart whenever I see people talking/hanging out so freely with others. I hate it. And when I try to forget about it and try to not remind myself how miserable I am here, I see posts on social networks of others who are having fun in their college with their friends. I shouldn't be feeling jealous but I do. I can't help it. I envy them for having a friend or 2. I envy them for having the college experience, even if it means that they may have some troubles with others, I still envy that. I want that, I want to laugh with another person. Shoot I want to get angry with them when I think their being unreasonable!

I just want someone to acknowledge me here. I'm tired of feeling lonely and pathetic. I know I have my sister and she's my only friend here (she doesn't have friends either which I bet she understands this feeling too), but sometimes being with my sister can be too much (she even agrees). It would be nice to have a break once in awhile with someone else.

Sure I had study buddies, or talked to one classmate in a class but never do we hang out of class. The few times I asked other peeps numbers, we never hit it off. I feel like I'm bothering them and when I see them on fb I noticed they have peeps of their own already. And that's another thing, they already have a group of friends. I'm just an outcast that doesn't belong.....

I just wish my college life was better than this...

I'm jealous...

I have no right to feel this way...but I do

I havent written in awhile...I think I might start doing that...so much has happened..and its usually not good...i've been getting worse even when it doesn't look like it...

Miss

I've been feeling weird lately... not suicidal wise..i'm talking about friend wise. I've been missing my friends a lot, but truthfully i've been missing one particular friend more. We don't really talk a lot. I'm always talking with An. Once in awhile I txt her because I genuinely want to know how she is. We use to be very close in H.S and I guess I miss that (or so i keep telling myself). I'm always hoping that she'll txt me out of the blue so we can catch up. And when that doesnt happen (at times) I sometimes don't try to txt her because I feel like i'm a) annoying her or b) I'll hurt her. So I don't...but that doesnt mean i'm not thinking about her. I'm always hoping that she is having a better life than me. Always hoping that she's happy in life. Always hoping for the best for her. Because I know that she deserves that and much more....

Old Habits never die.... :/

College hasn't gotten better at all. I'm miserable! I absolutely hate it! A little over a year at a HSU and i'm still doing bad! I havent improved in my sciences classes! I'm failing AGAIN! Im just wasting money...and not trying hard enough. Sometimes I feel like i have just given up. Sometimes I just want to start cutting. Yes, I did say that. A part of me wants to go back to the old habits and start self harming again...And not because I want to "feel alive", I want to cut b/c I feel like I deserve it. Everything that is happening in my life, I deserve it. It's my fault I screwed up! I DESERVE THIS!! So that's one 'reason' why I want to hurt myself badly, another 'reason' is that--stupid really--i hope to slip one day. I hope that when i'm hurting myself i 'accidentally' cut myself to deep and die. Because, honestly, dying seems like a easier way out. A selfish but easy way.... I know I shouldn't think this way, but i seriously cant help it. it's gotten worse over the days. I've been having more suicidal thought than ever before and yet I still havent touched the blade. No matter how much I wanted to, I havent. Although with each passing day its getting harder to control it. I find myself slipping.. and any moment now...i will go back to being the same old me.

Reject

I dont know if its silly of me to feel this way...i invited 3 of my friends to a party (the fourth friend that I wish could go was, sadly, not in town)...they decline but not bc they were rude..they had another party to go to. It wasnt their fault..and i told them it was okay bc it truly was...but even so...when i went to bathroom i found myself crying...I didn't feel okay, I found myself being selfish...for some reason i felt like i was being rejected by my friends. And even when they said That if they could they would totally go with me..I honestly didnt believe them...Because who would want to go anywhere with me? I'm not a fun friend at all...im not worth being with...and that is just the sad truth...