Nights are the worst.
My thoughts have succumbed to darkness once again.
And once their there they can never come back.
These negative thoughts of mine only achieve in making me feel hopeless in life.
I'm starting to panic and wishing for the easier way out...which scares me...
If I'm like this now, how will I be in the future?
Will I even have a future... ?
My friends grandpa died last Thursday, I didn't find out till Saturday because that's when I finally txt him back about a book he lend me. And ever since he told me I haven't really talked to him as much or asked how's he's doing. He told me his family was getting together for a week to honor his grandfather, so I understand that right now he's busy and can't talk as much. Although when he does reply, I don't know what to say. From his texts he doesn't seem as upset but yet again texts are usually not concrete forms of evidence on how a person feels. I've been meaning to ask him if he truly is okay but I don't know how to bring it up. Honestly I don't know what I should do. I feel like I should be more focused about this rather than enjoying my books or other current pleasures of mine. I feel like such a bad friend for not being their for him...this sucks...I suck..
School is getting nearer...it's freaking me out. I wish I didn't have to go back, I wish I could stay here. I don't mind being locked in my room or not going anywhere--yeah it can become depressing but I rather be depressed here then over there. At least here I have familiar faces but over there I don't. I just have my sister and sometimes it's just isn't enough... please don't make me go back...
I keep hearing this helpless dog noise and it freaked me out because it sounded so close. I was afraid it could be my dogs. I tried to ignore it but this feeling of dread I had wouldn't leave me alone. So I got up and checked and luckily my dogs were okay...but even so I felt a little nauseated afterwards thinking about it...
So bro came over and helped me take the dogs a shower (which also turned to a water war bt us). And later on I decided to take pixie for a walk, knowing that bro would tag along...but in the end it was too hot outside and bro decided to leave. And I decided to go cry in my room. I tried not to but knowing that I have no one who would want to just take a walk around my block later or just chill outside freaking sucks. It makes me cry... how stupid of me.
Today I got a sudden txt from my friend saying if I wanted to hangout on Wed. It made me sooooo happy. Like you don't know how much. I don't get many texts like these (none really), so just this one made me almost cry for joy. It makes me feel like I actually matter in this life...
