Soon you'll find yourself completely alone

Recently, I'm starting to feel like this....

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The future is scary.
I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life.
I'm still to scared to go out in the world by my own.
I have no confidence in myself to become successful in life.
I feel like I can't do anything right.
And it scares me so much because the first solution I can think of is ending the problem before it gets worse.
That problem being me....

Meaningless

There are moments when I start thinking that I might not have a long life ahead of me, any future really. I start thinking this and it makes me sad, which is ironic since I usually tend to think I don't deserve this life. And yet knowing this still gets me sad...I guess because I wish it wasn't true. I wish I could tell myself I mattered but all I can do is say the complete opposite of that. Going back to the possibility that I might not live long also brings me immense sadness. Knowing that I lived a meaningless life isn't the way I would want to go....but it might end up being the case....

You were my first true friend. Before 8th grade I had people I thought were my friends, but they werent. It didn't matter to them when I left their group and that sucked....but then I realized it wasn't as bad because that's when I met you and J. I knew that in that point in time I met my true friends. I remember the times when we would call each other, and though half of the time we didn't know what to talk about we improvised with music. We would put our favorite songs on the phone and just listen to it together. And that was honestly wonderful.
And when A showed up, I remember being so jealous of her, because she knew you better than I did. I was afraid that you would leave me behind but you didnt. Soon I realized how great of a person my 'rival' was and I immediately hit it off with her.
We became quite  a group...
When middle school came to an end and high school began, I was sad to be separated from all of you guys. Mostly I felt our friendship starting to head in differ courses. With the meetings of new people in our lives I thought ours wouldn't make it...but it did. And along with that friendship, I started to feel something for you. Something that was new to me. You were my closest friend friend as well as my first constant crush. It was something strange but during those moments with you I really thought of you as something deeper...but then some time passed and I realized that It was just an obsession...though my crush for you left, my friendship for you never did. I still thought of you as the closest person in my life....
The reason I bring this up is because I miss us. I've been through so much with you, and now I feel like we no longer know each other. Sometimes I wonder if you remember me? Remember the close bond we use to have? Our friendship?
Do you miss it?
Because I do....

Shameful

I hate how all I can think about my future is getting a new place where I can then proceed to hurt myself in So many different ways without having to constantly check over my shoulder....what's wrong with me....

Sometimes I want to cry for a friendship that is disappearing...

Grandma

We just got the news that my grandma passed away....
We knew their was a chance she wouldn't wake up but we kept hearing that she was getting better
And then all of suddenly she was gone...
Last weak wen I first heard she wasn't waking up I cried so much, and the feeling of sadness was still there throughout the days.
But as I heard that she was starting to show signs of movement I thought their was still a chance even after having a dream of her funeral (which I never told anybody in fear that it might come true)....either way it did come true.
And yet why aren't I crying?
Wen I heard the news I felt the impact of those words I really did
But I didn't cry like last time.
Why arnt I crying?
I want to cry just for the fact that I'm not crying for her loss
I do feel something
But I don't feel the tears...and that feels like I'm the worst granddaughter in the world.....