Sad truth: Beauty is everything....

I'm not beautiful. I know I'm not, even if some peeps say I am. I don't believe them because every time I look in the mirror I see an ugly person staring back. And it doesn't help that now-a-days society see's beauty as everything. I'm always comparing myself to those who were born pretty. Outer beauty is more important than inner beauty. That's just the honest truth. No matter how you try to look at it, peeps always take into consideration the outer beauty of a person. I know it shouldn't get to me, but seriously it's hard to ignore. My whole life I grew up believing that in order to be happy, you needed to be beautiful. And because of that I became insecure and uncomfortable in my own skin. I wish I could have been born pretty; I wish I could change even now.....but the sad reality is that that won't ever happen. I'm never going to be beautiful no matter how much I wish. I need to get use to this....

Not in the right mind...

I feel like doing something stupid (like always really). Just so I can feel worst afterwards. Because if i were to say i would feel better that would be a lie. It'll only make me feel worst and for some INSANE reason, i enjoy knowing that dats wat i truly deserve....

Why?!

what's wrong with me!?! why do i keep doing this to myself?! Why am i so fucked up?! WHY!!?!!!

Looking for Hope...

      Their are times in my life when i just want to let go; give up really. I want to just disappear from this world and never come back. But even with these thoughts a part of me is desperately trying to hold on to something worth while. That small part of me doesn't want to let go, because for some insane reason it still believes that things can turn out better...well, that's what i tell myself. Maybe that small part of me is just to scared to leave everything behind, even when it knows that it  should. Or maybe i'm just looking for attention? ...but if that's the case, then where is that attention then? I don't see anybody worrying about me or trying to help..and the ones that do try a bit--I just end up pushing them away. So i don't really think I am looking for attention... I guess what i'm really looking for is a sign...a sign telling me that I won't be the failure that i'm already starting to be. A sign that shows that I will become a better person a life... A sign saying that not everything  turns out for the worst...All in all, I just want a sign to show me that I DO have a purpose in life. Because right now, I don't feel like I do... I really feel useless and without hope.....

thoughts suck...

Im not sure how to feel right now.... i've been roaming around the web trying to find something to pre-occupy my mind with but nothing seems to work...and i been having to much in my head lately...so many thoughts that are probably not so good..i try not to be like this but its so freakin hard! And its not like i can get out and hang out with friends since i have none here...its so damn hard to keep my emotions together, especially now that my sis and me share a room together...everything is just leading for the worst... i cant think positive, im just all negative right now. I wish i could change but its not gonna happen; i never change...and if i do change its just for the worse....now all i can think about is how long will i be able to stay in control? Cuz it feels like in any moment i might just crack

11/19/2012

I don't know why I do this to myself, to her and me... I should stop myself from hurting both of us--her more. But for some reason I can't. When she told me those things, I just kept replaying the words over and over again in my head. I'm not sure why I keep thinking about it... I honestly don't know what I feel. All I can tell you is that I do care for her...maybe more than i should... I didn't tell her this because if I did that I would give her hope. Hope that wont do any of us any good. I don't care if I were to get hurt in the end as long as she doesn't, I could care less what happens to me...but now I feel like I rejected her..I wish I bit my tongue back then but she doesn't deserve someone like me. She deserves a lot better, because I can't give her what she wants no matter how much I wish I could. My reasoning wouldn't let me, since it's built in a very messed up mind set... I'm too negative...If something were to happen It wouldn't be forever because forever never stays and sooner or later we all go our separate ways. That's why we can't get so attach to one another because if we do when that moment comes to go our separate ways..which of us will hurt in the end?
Maybe i'm thinking ahead of myself but I cant help feeling that she may fall even more in love with me as I drift away or maybe vice versa.
In the end, sometimes I wonder if our friendship would cease to exist ...I don't want that,..
this is why I can't..no matter how much I want to...

Comments: I wrote this awhile back on my nook...I was thinking about her again... and I just needed to write ...This is the only way I can open up...it pretty much sucks...im such a complicated person :

Inner Battle

i hate how i cant understand my feelings toward her... i always find myself wanting to be with her and then knowing that it's wrong to be with her.. At times i feel like its just another obsession of mine and that i just want to be with her to just not feel lonely anymore... i don't understand what it is... i'm not sure what i feel anymore... If you were to ask me this awhile back i would've said that i truly wanted to be with her without a doubt... but now that sometime has passed, my old feelings are clashing with different ones... and now i'm just utterly confused... just yesterday, she kissed this other girl b/c of a dare... but in that dare, it asked her to kiss anybody...and i know she wanted me to be the one...and i seriously wanted to too.... but my stupid mind didn't think the same as my feelings... it reasoned with me that i shouldn't be doing that with her... that i was only going to make things worse and hurt her... and then to make it work, that same day one of our friends broke up with her boyfriend and she was devastated...it was the first time i had to watch someone heartbroken over another human being...and every time i looked at her tear-stained eyes..i would see the person i feel for hurting too but because of me.. i don't want that... i don't want to hurt her and then lose our friendship... i don't want to... anyways that's the way i feel..i'm not sure if i'm overreacting or what..maybe i am... or maybe i'm not.. i should talk to her about it, but i was never good at talking heart to heart... i don't know... one thing i do know is that she wont be waiting for me forever...and maybe, moving on, is a good thing for her... because even if something where to happen b/t us..it wouldn't be forever... it just wouldn't..