This isn't Goodbye

 I always pictured myself writing this in my head. I always reversed the words I would write down, the reasoning behind my actions and how I could lessen the pain on you, my loved ones. I realized that no amount of words will lessen the pain. 

All I can say is that I'm sorry. I wish I couldve been stronger for you. I know for a fact that you all loved me. Don't think about what you couldve done and don't blame yourselves. It was never your guys fault, I chose this path. I made these selfish decisions. I wish their was a way my actions wouldnt hurt you. I know I couldve gotten help....but I didnt, I chose that, and for that I am sorry. I had the best life I couldve ever asked for, you guys gave me everything. Thank you for being my family and friends. Thank you for sticking with me in the good and bad times. And if we ever fought, those were just heated moments with no importance. Think of the good times we always had. 

And know that although I'm not physically here, I will always be by your side.

This isnt goodbye but more of a see you later. 

I love you Mom, Dad, Sis, Bro, my nieces, my friends 

And everyone else who was a part of my life, thank you. 

Elizabeth 

 

(Note: just a letter I always wanted to write to myself)

How much longer?

 It's been getting worse, my old habits are resurfacing. Reading isnt enough to keep the demons at bay. I cant do art, cant read, cant sleep, cant do anything. I'm feeling utterly hopeless again... the random crying fits are overwhelming....I feel so many emotions being shoved down my throat at an incredible speed. I feel too much and I hate it. My stomach becomes twisted from the fullness and I just want to throw up. I know it doesnt make sense but for me it literally feels like only a few pieces are holding me together.... I dont know how long I will last 

Drunk rant

I've been drinking more often now, thisnisnt good. Last time this happened I started breaking down and telling myself to kill myself. My evil thoughts surfaced and tried to take over. I held the bottle in one hand and the blade in the other, trying to convince myself that it was fir the best .

I told myself I woulnt go back to that time, but ever since I graduated from school, reality has been horrible  I cant no longer distract myself.

The one thing I enjoyed, art, has no longer filled me with joy. I have no inspiration. All I want to do is drink so much that I can finally have the guts to hurt myself. Because I know sober me wont do it. I want to self sabatoge to the point where I finally finish what I started.... I'm scared of myself rig ht now.

Tomm I actually have a phone call appt with a doctor to discuss my mental health
I realized hes a male doctor. I was already uncomfortable to talk about my issues, bow I feel even more uncomfortable talking to a male adult. I feel like he will tell me it's all in me head.

I'm hoping to get anti depressants
Ik m hoping that will help somewhat...
I do t want to go down this rode again, because if I do I might not come back from it

I dont think I'm living, everyday I feel cold and empty. What's the point really? Nothing is worth it, I'm slowly dying even if I keep goin. I should just put a stop to it....sooner rather than later

I'm still the same  with many issues that IU hope one day  will leave me. I'm sorry for being this way. I wish I could change and be happy. I'm still the same  hopefully omw day it will get better...if nit  I hope to die quickly

Liar

I'm a good Liar. 

Everyone thinks I'm a happy person. Sometimes I find myself believing it too. That should be a good thing right? Believing a lie is easy but as the days go by I have to face reality. I'm not happy nor a positive person. I'm the complete opposite. No matter how much I try to tell myself that it will get better, the fact is it wont. Life might but I wont. I will always be the same. A negative person with a very positive lie coming out of her mouth. I honestly dont see a future for myself, I keep telling myself 5 (4 soon) more years and everything will be okay. Or so I tell myself..... 

Old habits never die

I'm cutting again.