mad at myself

(Contains errors)

Back to being morbid...well not really. I just started thinking...although my thinking time usually makes me depressed....

Earlier tonight, my sis told me how she commented to my brother that I wanted bat wings for a tattoo. His response was like always, "over my dead body". Even though i knew his reaction it got me thinking which then got me annoyed. Annoyed at him and everybody else in the family..but especially myself...

I hate it when my family tells me I can't do stuff. I mean i understand that when i was younger but now that im 19, I have to follow their rules; aka do the things they think is best for me. Its really freaking annoying! Its like i have no choice in my own descisions. Which brings me to the point of being annoyed with myself.

As i grew up, I was disciplined to think that my family's say in my life is absolute. Everytime i want to do something because i want to i just cant. All because i start thinking, "what would my parents say?" And of course they would say to do the complete opposite of what i want....anyways i dont want to sound like im blaming my family for everything that is wrong with me...bc im not! Im mad at myself!

My family raised me well, im lucky to have them in my life. Im just pissed that i cant be brave enough to make my own decisions in life without trying to dissapoint them...I fudging suck!