4/13/10

Dear Journal,

Oh man, im really messed up. Lots of issues have been coming along the years for me; i knowthat its been awhile since i had written in my powerpuff diary, around 2 yrs i believe, but anywho today i felt the need to talk to someone who wont judge me for well EVERYTHING. Instead of writing in my diary i decided to write in a uhhh..oh yeah! my composition book. So that being the case let me get you up to date with what's happening to me. First off my life sucks--Well not really, more like i suck. My life is perfect, any other peep wouldve want an awesome family like mine (even if they may be strict, that only shows you how much they care for you and your well being). Anywho back to the subject that i suck. I DO. First off school has been a pain in the ass! I feel alone even if i have Ritz and kim to keep me company. I still feel distant from them. Even more with ritz; Ever since she found out that i cut. Its probably just me but now i feel guiltythat Ritz continued back to her old self. What i mean is that she hasnt cut herself for awhile now until recently. She was doing great but now that greatness of hers crumpled to pieces. When she talks about cutting herself, that guilt of mine comes back to haunt me. I try to ignore it but it just seems to mock me. Thats why im trying hard not to tell Lupe where i cut myself next because then im afraid she might continue doing it because of me. She told me not to cut or else she would start doing it too, all over again. And i dont want that to happen because she has someone who loves her with all their heart. Thats Danny-boy--I mean Daniel (got use to the nickname) her boyfriend. Even though i dont know him, i do know that he wants her out of harms way...and so im trying hard to keep that promise to her... but the truth is that i have an addiction problem. I HAVE stop cutting my arm, chest, and ankle but now im cutting my wrist. and i just cant seem to STOP! I want to and yet i dont..i think i need help, but then if i ask for it, they might end up telling my family and they would be disappointed...i dont want that, so im going to try not to hurt myself even further...

Also, I have become more violent...my sis was taking my speakers if i didnt do something, but i became stuborn and said no. I wouldnt let her leave my room until she left my speakers alone. So, i snapped. I felt myself radiating with anger and pure evilness. I was think of different ways to kill her. Oh god wat is wrong with me?! I almost punched her but luckily she moved and i somewhat held back...but if you had seen her eyes filled with fear you too wouldve been afraid of the monster i had become. Im scared that i might end up killing someone i love without having control. Im scared and so because of that im depressed. LIKE EVRY STINKIN DAY!! I feel like i should just end my life..kill myself and say my last words on paper. But then i cant because i dont want to make peeps sad and im not sure if im strong enough to do it... So im going to try to live to my fullest; become a vet, have an awesome corvett, live in a ranch in the countryside, have tons of animals, and maybe a family too..and being an author would be pretty sweet. Anywho thats all i have to say.... oh yeah, when i read my diary apparently i write to many subjects dealing with 'love'..i dont think i believe in it anymore... i havent expierience it and by what i see from others it doesnt look like love.... So no more love talk eh? See ya!

Comment: So my friend talked to me wayyyyy back about not being my fault..and that talk actually helped... so yeah. For me i sometimes do it. Like once or twice but never deep like before... Myt scars are fading thankfully... i still have anger issues.. everyone in dis house does (lolz?)... theirs still something wrong with me and i doubt that will ever change.. oh and about love... a part of me doesnt believe in it.... and so yeah...